Those Kooky Catholics

The Catholic institution has long been one of the ripest targets available for cultural irreverence. With only a small audio recorder (preferably digital) you too can reek havoc with the sensibilities of those who kiss the pope's ring.

At a Catholic church near you, plan to attend the next Mass. Don't worry, you won't be forced to sit through the entire thing. As a matter of fact, in larger cities you won't have to sit through it at all. The point is to wait until there is an available confessional. The confessional is considered a sacred trust within the Catholic faith. There are two phone-booth sized sections with doors on the front of each side. A priest sits on one side while (ideally) a faithful parishioner sits in the other. There is a wall between them with a small mesh-like opening to allow for conversation while protecting the identity of those involved. The parishioner then says, "Forgive me father, for I have sinned. It has been (insert time here) since my last confession." The priest will ask for your explanation of your sins and may mumble some tripe about how forgiveness is but a hairs-breadth away or some such nonsense.

Because the confession is anonymous and seen as holy, taking on the role of the parishioner can be an incredible opportunity for hi jinks. Once the stage is set and the priest is ready to hear your confession, respond with this: "Father....every time I pray to Jesus....I get an erection. I do not touch myself, nor do I have any lustful thoughts that I am aware. I just can't seem to make it stop. I have tried praying to numerous saints and even to the Virgin Mother to no avail. The erection only occurs when I pray to Jesus and will not go away until my prayer is over. Is this a sin, father? Or is it the holy spirit working in mysterious ways to fill me with his love?"

You absolutely must remain sincere throughout this confession without so much as a giggle. Sound sad, distraught maybe even depressed. The whole confession should be recorded for the sake of playing it back later as proof of your prank. You may even want to make a youtube video out of it!

Here are some variations on the prank I call "Confessional Conundrum":

-Claim you have heard the voice of Jesus calling you to touch yourself in a sexual manner. You haven't done it yet but it is becoming more and more difficult to ignore what you are sure is the "word of god".

-Admit you have been having a reoccurring dream involving the Virgin Mary stripping in front of you and giving you a lap-dance. The dream ends with the "mother of god" giving you oral sex. Try to cry during this one as it will be hard to believe otherwise. Tell the priest you are filled with disgust when you wake-up and discover it was a "wet dream".

-Describe your experiences of being aroused when reading certain parts of the bible. For instance the story of Lot having drunken sex with his daughters (Genesis 19:32-36). Tell the priest you want to be a good Catholic and study the bible but you can't help feeling excited when reading these kinds of passages.

The goal of this little prank should be to completely stump the priest. If the priest hearing your confession is obviously unsure what to say to you, or even better, isn't even sure what you have confessed to is a sin, you've won. Good Luck!

P.S. You might also try wearing this to Mass: http://rlv.zcache.com/rock_me_sexy_jesus_t_shirt-p235886323720626038t5tr_400.jpg